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Melissa Jo Hill

Melissa Jo Hill

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On fear

Love & everything else, Writing June 17, 2016

We may earn money or products from the companies mentioned in this post.

Fear is a useful tool we’ve evolved to save ourselves from big scary monsters that want to devour us.

There are no monsters now though, we’ve killed the beasts, save the ones we grow in our own hearts and minds. We’ve slain the dragons, then we became the dragons. It’s probably our most formidable foe, right? Our selves.

On the radio, they profiled a company that offers training for what to do in the event of an active shooter. The owner of the company shared that it was only after Sandy Hook that his business took off—from schools, to churches and public/government buildings—he is providing a valuable service to our society. My chest tightened as I listened. I could feel the monster in my heart turning over.

My son was always especially sensitive to monsters, but no monster scared him more than Darth Vader. Once a noble Jedi, Vader let go of his humanity and became the thing that was in his heart—darkness. Vader tormented my young son, who saw him in his nightmares every night. How could a man, a regular man, become so cruel? My boy, who with his child’s heart, still believed that the monsters were beasts and dragons, couldn’t understand Vader’s metamorphosis. But he was Luke’s father! he would argue, futilely.

There’s something lost in a child, I’ve seen it now, when the realization dawns on them, that the monsters we must face are each other. And us. That we feed them with rage and hate and oppression. That we corner our hearts and beat them until they snarl and bite. My instinct is to save them from that, but it’s futile also, because they have active shooting drills at their elementary school now. I can’t bring myself to imagine it even—their tiny bodies huddled in the art supply closet.

Fear is a useful tool, but I don’t want them to be afraid. I want them to be fully realized human creatures, with joyful and forgiving hearts. I want them to love themselves enough, that the monsters in them have nothing to eat and slink away into the night. I want them to dance, to learn, to laugh, and to cheer for their movie heroes. I want them to be safe from it all. I want to save them.

And I pray for all who could not be saved.

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  • My planner these days is the @thedragontree Dreambook & Planner. I also use one of their covers with it. I tried the planner last fall and never really got a hand of the weekly/daily, but I LOVED LOVED the Dreambook part of it. This year I was determined to really use the weekly layouts. Maybe because I'm still recovering and only working part-time, I've been enjoying how the days aren't hourly, and have been using it like my #bulletjournal in my #midoritravelersnotebook. Since my days need to be structured around physical therapy, rest, and recuperation, and not necessarily the hour on the clock, this book is absolutely perfect for me. ⠀
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I also still carry around my #Midori (I even got a #travelersnotebook for my love for Christmas) because it's the most brilliant notebook system I've come across, but I use it for longer notes and lists that don't fit in my planner.⠀
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Meanwhile, I've been enjoying going back through the Dreambook section and mapping out my goals and projects for the year, and thinking big about what I want my future to look like. ⠀
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  • Mixed feelings time! I'm not sure how to sum up 2018. I started last year still reeling from a bad career stumble and a terrible relationship ending. While work stuff definitely picked up, it never quite righted -- and I think because I wasn't working on my *own* stuff. I never quite regained the confidence to put myself out there. And I hustled, hustled, hustled two part-time jobs AND multiple freelance clients to piece together a semblance of the income I had working full time. It was really hard, and I let other things I love slip away to do it. ⠀
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But then personally, last year turned out to be pretty awesome. I fell in love -- completely unexpected and out of the blue. And that love keeps getting better and better. My kids are fantastic. My dog has never been better. It doesn't feel like there's a shortage of love in my life.⠀
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I got answers on some chronic pain issues I'd struggled with throughout 2018 (and half of 2017), and of course that culminated with my hip surgery last week. Today I took a few steps to test my leg. I feel like I'll be walking next week. I cooked my first meal of 2018 -- soft boiled eggs and raisin toast (I bought the raisin bread at Target -- baby steps).⠀
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The surgery put an end to the hustle I was trapped in. And I can see that maybe that's for the best. When I reflect on what I want more/less of in 2019, it's just less of a life of scramble, barely keeping up. If that means doing with less to have a more rich life, I'm OK with that.
  • Hey I survived hip surgery today! Look I can sit and everything! (Pics: post op, pre op, passed out post op) Looking forward to learning how to walk again!
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HSP with HJS navigating the world. I like good food and good stories. I try to make both.

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